The Theism Model of Relationship Development Dynamism: the Practicals

This post is supposed to build off of my last post, where I laid out my Theism Model for Relationship Development Dynamism and talked about the Invitation and Intimation Principles. Read that for the theory. This post is intended to use this theory and establish some practicals that can be used in everyday relationships, based on what principles they mostly use. I believe most people are pretty reasonable in these two drives, with most people leaning towards the invitation side of things. This means there are generally three different kinds of people: Balanced, Intimation Strong, and Invitation Strong. Some possible problems that may arise from different combinations of people are as follows:

Intimation Strong & Balanced - Most people get freaked out by someone getting so close to them so fast, and it ends up pushing them away. Even if that doesn’t happen, they can get a reputation for being pretty eccentric in their closeness to people that they’re really not that close to, realistically speaking. Sometimes these people will give random statements of encouragement, praise, or even blunt statements of rebuke; all of which are coming from a perceived level of closeness they have with the person they may not actually have. Most times these relationships stretch both parties and help them grow in healthy ways, but these are just some potential problems.

Invitation Strong & Intimation Strong – When these two extremes come together, strange tensions arise. The intimation person may say things about the invitation person that the latter finds offensive, because they haven’t allowed the former to hold that close of a place in their life. That’s what it’s all about with an Invitation strong person; they must call the shots and give the other person the place in their life to say certain things. The Intimation Strong person must be aware of the place they hold in the life of the other. These relationships can be one of the most fruitful of any combination, if these problems can be resolved. The Invitation person must become less sensitive to others, and the Intimation person must become more sensitive to others, and how comfortable they are with their pursuit of closeness.

Invitation Strong & Invitation Strong – These usually don’t happen. If they do, they look very boring and unexciting on the outside, but may hold a very close place in the hearts of those involved. You find this most often on the female platonic level; hardly ever on the romantic level, though I’ve seen it a few times. They look very weird on the outside.

Intimation Strong & Intimation Strong – Every relationship has some sort of boundaries inherent within it. These people have problems with proper boundaries of intimacy in most relationships. They usually end up playing off the other person who is generally the other extreme, or Balanced, meaning that the boundaries are set by the other person, not the Intimation Strong person. Potentially the most exciting, dynamic, and fruitful of all combinations, there are unique challenges they face if they are to get to that level of enough health to yield the most satisfaction. They need to be careful of boundaries, first and foremost. If one person crosses a boundary, a level of trust is broken that may not be able to be healed. This is why: If an Intimation Strong person for once has one of their boundaries crossed, that is generally a very foreign experience to them that pushes them far away. They are used to desiring closeness with someone more than the other person desires it with them; so when someone actually pushes harder than they ever have, it makes them feel claustrophobic and stifled.

I’ve learned recently that there is a definite level of health and excitement found in holding ones’ cards close to their chest, not revealing too much too soon. A certain level of “aloofness” or mystery is exciting and fosters a sense of mutual respect necessary for any real relationship to develop. Tension is good; vomiting all of one’s thoughts and emotions on the table before someone in an effort to seek intimacy is bad, and can have disastrous consequences (no, I am not speaking from personal experiences, haha). These relationships are usually the most “dynamic” to say the least, but can be the most satisfying and redeeming in one’s life. For Christians, these relationships are also the most “expressive.” What I mean is that every relationship puts forward a certain image of God. Some of these images are closer to reality than others. A benefit of double intimation Strong relationships is that they will scream out that image more than any other combination, thus people in those relationships must be very aware of the image of God they are putting forth.

Though it may sound like I am speaking primarily of romantic male-female relationships, I am not. I believe these principles can be applied to all relationships, including our relationship with God, as explained in the previous post. I think the most ready application of these principles is in male-female romantic relationships, but they need not be limited to them. Also, be fully aware that these primary drives and strengths of those drives in various people will change depending on the time in their life, environmental factors, and whether the relationship being cultivated is between two males, two females, or a male and female.

I hope these applications help in your everyday relationships.

--paul